Writing in the Dark of the Year: "I Stand on All Fours, My Fur ..."

 On this fourth week, the writing prompt that hit me between the eyes was this:

"I stand on all fours, my fur ..."

I couldn't actually read this piece - or any piece, for that matter - aloud this week. But here's what I wrote:

I stand on all fours, my fur rising ever so slightly from my suddenly unfamiliar body. (Is it my body that is unfamiliar, or is it everything else?)

Last Tuesday night I went to bed, stretched out as usual on the blanket on the floor behind my Friend's bed. She turned out the light, then she said, like she says every night, "Sleep time, SLEEP time, my little Earl Grey. Sleep time, my Faithful Friend. See you in the MORning!" 

But the morning never came. The dark night got blacker and blacker. The Good Rancher got up and made his breakfast and left. My Friend got up and called to me.

I didn't know where she was. 

I didn't know where I was.

I bumped into a hard edge and did not know how to get around it so I stopped. I needed water, I needed to go outside, I needed to have my Friend say, "Good MORning, my little Earl Grey!"

She came back to find me. I almost didn't hear her footsteps. I was so scared that my entire body was shaking. I could hardly breathe.

"Come on, my dog! What's going on?" I looked at where I thought her voice was coming from. She cried my name like she never had before - "GRAAAAAAYYY!" 

She pushed me with her legs and put her hand on my head. She got me to where I could feel cool air on my face. So many smells. Birds chirping. Cats meowing. Musket yapping from the porch. I was so confused that I just froze.

I put out my foot, but there was nothing there. Suddenly I felt her next to me. Her hands on my shoulders. "Step!" she screamed, "Step! Step! Step! Step!"

I didn't know what to do. She had never raised her voice at me before. Except that time when she saw me with a baby barn kitten in my mouth. Was she angry with me, like then?

I heard tapping right below me. "Step," she whispered. I could feel her breath on my face. Salt water dripping onto my nose. I leaned toward her and my foot dropped down to reach a spot just below me. "Step," she said again and that same tapping below me. I followed her breath.

And then I felt the cold bristles of grass beneath me. "Go, on, Earl Grey," she said. I inhaled the scent of previous outside visits, both mine and the other dogs'. Some stronger than others.  I took a few steps into this blackness. I had to pee, but I was too scared to lift my leg. 

She called to me and I heard her truck running. Maybe we were going for a ride? But I could not find her or the truck. Suddenly she was in front of meIbumpedintoherlegs. The Good Rancher was there and he picked me up and put me in the truck. She was already sitting right next to me.

The movement, the noise, the smells. I could hear big trucks coming toward me and I pressed myself low on the seat because I couldn't see them and I was scared they were going to run over me.

We stopped at the place where the people give me treats, and the girl came out to help my Friend get me out of the truck. They put a noose around my neck and started to pull me, but I did not know where I was going so I sat down.

And I heard my Friend's voice. "My Faithful Friend," she said. "Come with me, Earl Grey."

They got me into a small room. I tried to walk around but I kept bumpingbumping into a huge box in the middle of the room. I put my head on my Friend's lap and everything was quiet. 

But not for long. Two other people came into the room and they made my Friend put a muzzle on me. Then they poked me in my foot, and they put something cold near my heart, and I felt whooshing air near my eyes. I started to pant.

My Friend and that girl got me back into the truck. The truck started and then there was a howling sound, like the coyotes on the hills at home every night. I tried to reach for her hand, which was always there when I put my head on the console, but I fell off the seat.

The howling stopped. So did the truck. The door next to me opened. She helped me get back up onto the seat.

We got home. I got onto the floor of the truck but when she tried to get me down I couldn't move. I could only shake and pant. 

She went away and came back and there was somewhere hard to put my foot. It was covered with something soft that smelled like her jacket. "Step," she said quietly. "Step." 

And I was on the blessed ground again.

This last week has been long. Cold weather. Accidents in the living room. I can't find my food until I am standing in the bowl. I spill the water. My head hurts all the time. I sleep a lot. The dogs avoid me, but those kittens stay close to me now. 

Nothing is the same. 

Except for one thing.

A long time ago she went away for a night, and when she came back the next afternoon, she smelled of blood and bandages and medicine and sadness. We could not jump up on her, and she did not bend down to give us our milk time, milk time. Something was wrong. 

She lay on the couch and I lay on the floor next to her. When she got up she went to the small room with the loud rushing of water. I felt I needed to go look after her. So I waited for her outside the door. 

And from that day on, whenever she goes to the small room with the loud rushing of water I always lie down, blocking the door, waiting for her, protecting her from the unseen enemy. Now everything is unseen, everything is the enemy.

Still. I still know when she is in that place, and I have still been able to find the door. And I would still protect her with my whole pitiful being.

She opens the door. I stand on all fours, my fur turning into shield and breastplate and helmet, and my useless eyes glowing jade green. I stand on guard for her.

And I hear her say the words she always says as she bends to stroke my back and head:

"Grey? Are you waiting for me, Grey? Oh Grey, you ALWAYS wait for me. THANK you for waiting for me, Earl Grey. Thank you for being my Faithful Friend. Do you love me, Grey? I think you LOVE me!! From the FIRST time you saw me, you loved me, and you wanted to BE my friend. And now, you are my FAITHful Friend, Earl Grey, and now, you are MY dog."

Everything has changed, but nothing has changed. I would give my life for her. 

I hope she can see that.

ScoutyLove

It must have been the temperature, the oppressive waves layering onto their overheated bodies and brains like the prickly winter blankets I took to our boarding school to combat the cool nights of the Nilgiri Hills in South India. I would lie as motionless as I could, hoping I wouldn't get jabbed by the vicious fibres; wondering if I was actually cold or just needed a hug and Mum to bring me my morning cup of tea in my green plastic mug in my own bed; wondering how long before morning broke the chill of the moon. 

Every day Musket, Phoebe Snow, Earl Grey, Carly Simon and Gunpowder have been lying motionless in the porch or under the green leafy Virginia creeper, panting slightly, hoping to avoid the spiky fingers of heat that find them no matter where they hide; stirring only for the occasional mouthful of water; wondering how long before evening breaks the grip of the sun.

Not Scout, though: Scout is a dog who was created for this often merciless life; whose greatest joy is charging out in the wake of The Good Rancher and his horse, tail wagging so vigorously that Jack-the-Cat-who-wishes-he-were-a-dog would go flying if he were following his idol too closely.

Scout is the late-arriving baby in this blended dog-family. In human terms, Musket is approaching 60, Phoebe and Grey are 53, Carly and Gunny are 40; and Scouty is an annoying 17 — energetic, friendly, loving, always wanting to be busy. Green balls, orange balls, and balls that light up when you throw them litter the inside of the house. Outside there are sticks of all sizes tucked away in strategic locations so that a quick game of Throw can break out no matter what part of the garden a person and her dog find themselves.

Scout was a country boy in a city; I was a city girl in the country. It was an improbable match made in heaven. It was love at first sight for me; for him, he had to mourn the loss of his city family and to establish trust with us, which took a couple of long days after he came to live with us. 

He declared that I was HIS, however, a few days later, during which time he had been fully instructed as to his status in the canine pecking order. 

That early morning he was cowering behind my bed as I dozed fitfully. Carly decided to jump on the bed, to let me know she wanted to go outside and it had to be with me.

Suddenly there was a flurry of black and white dog fur and Scouty launched himself onto my head, staking his claim. It was a brave, rash, foolhardy thing to have done. I lay there praying for no dog bites, for no blood to be spilled.

Fortunately — particularly for me — Carly saw the writing on the wall and backed off. From then on, with very few exceptions, Scout was accepted as part of the canine detachment, a promotion he never took for granted and a position he never took advantage of.

He was in his element, though, with the GR. He was a natural cow dog. A month after he came to live with us the GR needed to move cows from Ken Keibel's place to the pasture at Mile Corner. There was no one around except for me and my shadow to help him. "If you must bring him, make sure he stays in the side-by-side. I cannot have him spooking these cows."

The first hundred yards proceeded according to plan. And then a cow took exception to being herded.

Before you could yell, "Get out of the ditch!" little Scouty had leapt over the hood and planted himself firmly in front of the cow, locking his eyes with hers.

The standoff lasted perhaps 45 seconds before that grand old lady, mustering as much dignity as she could, turned around and rejoined her companions.

The dog was not even one year old, but he had discovered his raison d'être. It would be like hearing the opening bars of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony (yes, the da-da-da-DUM one) and knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that you were born to conduct an orchestra.

There was no turning back. From then on it was a given that when cows were being moved, Scout was at work.

People had told me about highly intelligent dogs; my experience was Musket down to Gunny — all five of them lovable and loyal and a couple of them a bit doltish, if the truth be told.

But then Scout arrived. He could understand almost everything that was said and certainly all that was going on. There was one time when the GR was bringing cows up the side road onto the 855. He was on horseback and a friend was on a quad. I came to guard the intersection, and found Scouty totally rattled by the quad. The GR was too. "Keep your dog in your side-by-side, and you and the quad stay out of the way!"

The cows had been rattled as well, their normal rhythm hopelessly disrupted. The three of us sat there helplessly, watching the GR and his horse work in vain to get them back into some order.

It was more than Scout could bear. He hopped out and paused, listening to my shrieks that he better get back in Right Now.

He turned toward me, locked eyes with me, dipped his head apologetically, and then ducked under the fence. He gave the cows a wide berth as he ran through the adjacent field in the opposite direction to which they were supposed to be going. He got back to the last one; and in less than five minutes everyone was under control and moving smoothly up the road. When he got up to the side-by-side he hopped in and lay on the floor at my feet, his usual spot, no big deal.

The GR was all smiles. "Where's my great dog?" he asked. I swear Scouty winked at me ...

Scout's life from day one has been about work. The purpose-driven life. If it's not a cattle-moving day, there's always something to do. It might be guarding miniature kittens along with his co-sentry Gunpowder ...

or performing quality control on the calves' milk replacer ... 

or checking the field in hopes of discovering the start of tender green shoots emerging ... 

or chaperoning. 

If there was nothing else going on, he'd be happy to challenge you to a ball game ... 

... regardless of who "you" are, and regardless of the weather! 

A new little game has emerged in the past few months: when I arrive home, the dogs accompany my truck from somewhere between the middle and home cattle gates to the house. 

But not Scout. Scout sits near where I will park, perfectly still, stick in position in front of the driver's door, waiting for me to disembark from the truck. Our eyes lock. 

"Hi, Love," I will always say, and pick up and throw the stick. Then I greet all the others.

The first time this happened, a couple of the others converged upon him, pinning him to the ground. The second time I said, "Oh ScoutyLove, they're going to come for you — you'd better go round to the front door and wait for me there." 

He went and collected the stick I had thrown and trotted off. Once I had greeted all the dogs and unloaded the truck and gone inside I glanced out of the front door. There he was, in the position. On the step was his stick. 

He can speak with just his eyes. The strong, silent type. If I couldn't find his ball, or the precise stick he was using at that particular moment, or if I wanted to know the whereabouts of the GR, I would just ask him. Then I would watch his eyes. He would first look at me and, without moving his head, then look in the direction of the object. If I couldn't locate the item in question, he would remain where he was, looking at me and looking in the direction. Sometimes I would get frustrated. He wouldn't change. He waits me out. I always find it. 

He has been right 100 per cent of the time. 

He has taught me to listen. 

He has taught me patience. 

He has taught me to love as much as I can, even those who would act unkindly toward me on occasion. 

He has taught me the value of loyalty. Of perseverence. Of playing the long game. 

He has taught me that while he is here, I am not alone. He will not leave me. 

The love of God conveyed by Dog. 

Halfway through June when the temperature in the house was 28° and the thermometer outside registered 39 and the blistering wind taunted us unceasingly, the dogs with their thick coats could bear it even less than I. Tempers frayed. 

It must have been the temperature, the oppressive waves layering onto their overheated bodies and brains. Two of the five started to gang up on Scout. Where he was, there they would go. Standing over him, threatening him, shoving him. Bullies on the playground. 

He never retaliated. He would lie there quietly, waiting for them to be done. He knew that if I was there I would call them off; if I was not, he could wait them out. And then he would carry on about his business — no hard feelings. All he knew is that he loved his brothers and sisters. The rest was up to them. 

Last Thursday I was in Brooks when I got the call. A friend had stopped for a visit. He had thrown a Scouty stick many times as he and the GR talked.

As he left, before he even reached the first cattle gate, the two dogs who had been acting up cornered my ScoutyLove and drove him toward the truck. It was going at only about 1 km / hour; but the way he struck it must have done damage to his heart. He cried out once. The GR, inside the house, recognised that cry and came running out. 

Scout stepped back and lurched toward the middle of the lawn. 

Our friend had felt the thud and immediately stopped and leapt out. He ran toward my ScoutyLove and held him as he took his last breath. 

It was all over in less than a minute. 

A day and a half later we buried him on top of the hill, our kind neighbour giving up his relaxed camping Saturday morning and making a special trip to dig his grave. 

It's a beautiful spot, overlooking the horse pasture, the corrals and the house and yard. 

I collected some of his sticks — sticks of all shapes and sizes, used for particular games — and placed them with him, along with the toy that had been sent with him when he first arrived at our house.

Our neighbour waited while the GR said his last goodbye and we went back down the hill; only then did he fill in the grave. He volunteered to fill it in by hand. I replied, "He's a dog; it's fine to use the backhoe. And thank you for even offering."

We checked later, and he had carefully made a mound of earth covered by grass on the top. 

I couldn't say anything of importance out loud that morning on that hill. We rarely talked with words. And I couldn't see his eyes. 

I will never see his eyes.

But  I think he knew. I think he knew that he was my best friend on the ranch. That we could talk about anything. That I loved him with my whole heart. 

Bye, Love. 

But Scouty, it's still sleep time! 

It's Raining, It's Pouring!

I spent Wednesday away from the ranch; when I left, the sky was overcast but there was not so much as a spatter of raindrops.

I checked in by phone periodically. Any rain?

No. 

What about now?

No. 

And then at 11:34 I received this picture from DJ, along with the words "Finally getting some rain!"

As my friend and I went about our tasks in Calgary we were almost blown over by some of the wind gusts. We heard of the tornado warnings and thought about the Good Rancher, who was making his way back from Lethbridge.

Finally, at about 8 pm, I was home. The first thing I did was check the rain gauge:

Half an inch! 

I was so excited. The air smelled clean. As I hauled groceries into the house the three cats clawed at the door, wanting to get into the brisk outdoors. Olivia decided that discretion was the better part of valour in this unknown weather pattern. 

Jack and Charlie, however, swooped out and hurtled around the corner, to be brought up short by the overflowing rainwater tank - I must confess that I was brought up short by it too. How does a mere half an inch fill a bone-dry water trough like that?!

When the excitement subsided, we all went back indoors. The GR joined us shortly thereafter; as he started to eat his belated dinner, he heard the first pattering on the roof.  Food was forgotten as he jumped up and peered out of the window.

That half inch earlier was merely a teaser. The rain had arrived in earnest now!

All through that evening and into the night it tapped out its persistent percussion on the tin roof drum above our heads.

I was getting ready to settle The Nine in for the night, and I didn't see the GR at one of his regular evening dozing spots in the living room. But as I went down the hall the light showed me a glimpse of that man lying relaxed for the first time in many months.

"I'm just listening to the beautiful music," he murmured.

I thought about the time I took him to a performance of Handel's Messiah by the Calgary Philharmonic Orchestra and Chorus. I never sensed in him the depth of awe and joy I experience when I hear the magnificent old masterpiece. 

But this night, I finally got it. 

This was the GR's Hallelujah Chorus.

Finally the household occupants were all tucked in for the night. I filled the electric kettle and flicked on the switch. As the water started to shift and heat in preparation for my hot water bottle, I was propelled toward the front door. Opening it, I stepped onto the top step and felt the immediate impact of water and wind.

And in it I heard the still, small voice, a whisper, a caress in my ear:

This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. (Matthew 5:45, the Message) 

I stayed there for long moments trying to take it all in - the wind weaving through the rain, the scorched grass tentatively stretching its blades upward again, the certain knowledge that God loves us all.

And finally, I could breathe. 

Listen to the rain with me! 

I went inside to enjoy the deepest sleep I have had in a long time.

But the next morning I was awakened by a shout: "Check out the rain gauge!"

(This includes the half inch from the previous day's afternoon showers.) 

The wonder of it all!